THE CARDINAL
Attend The “Players’ Masque” Tonite Playhouse 9 To 1
Official Student Publication of University of Louisville
Z 247
VOL. 6 LOUISVILLE, KY., THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 1938 NO. 23
‘Perfect Man Contest’
Sees Martin’s Hair,
Bergmann's Eyes Tops
(Answer on page 2)
The President’s office of the
University has at last released
the long awaited statement on
the “Ideal Man.” According to
reliable sources, the “Ideal Man”
is a composite hybrid of the best
and .most redeeming features of
cam-pusses. While the “Ideal
Man” will probably never be
seen, the Biology Department in
conjunction with the Medical
School have their staffs working
night and day trying out new
mixtures of feature genes, and
the plastic surgeons have nearly
finished putting together the
pieces.
The product of this Draculatic
orgy has as its main features:
Nose—Dean Oppenheimer
Eyes—Brad Bergmann
Ears—Ellis Kretschmer
Mouth —Robert Sales
Mustache—Dr. Milliott
Hair—Pop Martin
Waist—rDr. Haygood
Chest —Eddie Simon
Smile—Dr. Burton
Hat—Dr. Y? emon
Shirt Collar—Dr. Lovell
Gab—Dr. Vinsel
Personality—Charlie Woo
Voice—Miss Strong
Sex Appeal—Rhodes Jackson
Accent—Mary Lou Litsev
D isposit ion—Nigh twa tch ma n
Pipe—Coach Heldman
Who’s Who?
Players Masque
Ball Tonight
It's rumored that everyone
from Pavlowa and Dean Oppen-heimer
to Sadie Thompson will
be there.
The first annual costume ball
the U. has seen will be held to-night
from 9 to 1 on The Play-house
stage.
Eight dollars in prizes will be
given—ss.oo to the couple and
$3.00 to the stag who’ve con-trived
the cleverest costumes.
Unmasking and awarding of
prizes will take place at 11 p. m.
just before intermission.
There will be four no-breaks,
and plenty of chances to dance
with the gal or guy you've had
that S. P. (secret passion) for so
long.
Webster Linked In Lyons’ Kidnap Case;
Donahue Holds Crime As Aesthetic
Special P. l\ News OorresjKmdent.
Miss Elva Lyon, infant daugh-ter
of Dandy Lyon, wealthy Ex-porter
of fertilizer, was kidnap-ped
last night from the second-floor
nursery in the Lyon's Chi-nese
Mansion located in the out-skirts
of University City.
Inspector Grover Corley of the
Department of Justice early this
morning told newspapermen that
he is certain the. crime was com-mitted
by Knucklebait Webster,
alias Hairbreath Harvey.
“The baby was seized/ shortly
after ten o’clock,” Inspector Cor-ley
said. “The kidnapper used a
ladder to gain entrance into the
nursery. From the depths of the
kidnapper’s footprints in the
damp soil, he must have experi-enced
some difficulty in carrying
the child. The footprints, size
14Y, are identical with those of
Knucklebait Webster.”
“Tire prints alongside the high-way
point that Webster followed
his usual procedure,” Inspector
Corley pointed out. “While Web-ster
was getting the child his
moll, Snake Hips Burton, was
waiting in an automobile for a
quick getaway.”
Justus Bier, farmer, reported
to Sheriff Frank Gentry of Speed
County that last night while
walking home from a revival
meeting he was stopped by a
man and a woman in a Model T.
roadster who asked the direction
to Reno. The woman was hold-ing
a baby, and from Bier’s de-scription,
G-men are confident
the couple was Webster and Bur-ton.
Another witness, Kenny Dona-hue,
wLo was parked in an auto-mobile,
along the highway ten
miles from University City, told
Sheriff Gentry that around mid-night
a Model T roadster passed
down the highway “traveling at
a terrific pace.”
A young woman companion
wr ho refused to give her name
verified Donahue’s account.
Culprit In Flight
Vital Mr. Sherman Walks
Off With “The Front Page”
Honors At Playhouse
The restless energy of Hildy
Johnson (Wiliam Sherman) made
“The Front Page” a very “god-dam’’
funny comedy.
Act I didn’t start with the
greatest of haste and dispatch,
but the good typey characters
and a set that needed only a
cockroach on promenade launch-ed
the Little Theatre production
quite successfully.
Johnson, with his vitaminized
verbage, tore on the set, picked
up the tempo and set it down
with a series of “lousy baboons”
over the telephone to tell his
managing editor of his resigna-tion.
The physical characteristics of
the reporters were concise. It was
slouchy .. hats, rolled-up sleeves,
typewriter backbones that blend-ed
so accurately with the blank,
jumbled look of a typical press
room. Several of the reporters
had shambling voices but Mur-phy
of the Journal (John Wat-kins)
blurred that deficiency with
some energetic acting.
Tough Walter Bums (Dann
Byck), Johnson’s boss, was per-sistently
effective in his. juggling
of Johnson’s personality. His
hard-hearted and erratic execution
of a managing editor's disposi-tion,
which is something like fall-ing
hair, provided many howls.
Johnson and Burris definitely
rated front page.
We liked the play. It had good
suspense, a lickitv split pace,
humorous situations, and the
Little Theatre showed these up
well.
Chicago's Mayor (Roy I'inne-ga-
n) gave freely and commend-ably
his political oil. Molley
Malloy (Mrs. Marshall Roberts)
and Earl Williams (Paul Ken-dall),
the bomb thrower who was
an anarfchist, w7 ere emotionally
stable.
The squib characters in “The
Front Page" w ?ore their parts
well, although the tone qualities
of several of their voices did not
register.
8 Ways To Make
People Like You
By Dale Cameige Tech
1. Smile (do not bet on the
horses.)
2. Listen to w'hat the “other
fellow” has to say. (You may
get a hot tip on the 4th.)
3. Become really interested in
the “other fellow.” (You may
want to borrow a dollar some-time.)
4. Make the “other fellow’’
feel important. (Give him one of
your tips.)
5. Be personal. Call the other
fellow by his name. (Joe, old
man, can ya let me have a buck?
—if this fails, try calling him
other names.)
6. Talk about something that
will interest the “other fellow.”
(Tell him you’re going to pay his
dollar back next week.)
7. Don’t make yourself con-spicuous.
("When the husband
walks in shoot the husband and
go back to bed.)
8. Don’t borrow from Peter to
pay Paul. (Try Louie, I hear
he’s flush.)
In a Peapod: See if you, too,
do not have little or no friends,
less money, and that haggard
look.
Shoot Your Roommate And Go Back To Bed
By Willy Ketchum
Editor's Note:
In line with the policy of the
Wesearch department of the Uni-versity
the following question-naire
is submitted to the student
body so that the members of the
department may earn their sal-aries.
Problem 1.
You are lying in bed and
dreaming of a beautiful girl who
will get a million dollars when
her father dies. You propose to
the girl and just as she accepts
your roommate wakes you up.
Now, will you,
1. Go back to bed and
marry the girl.
2. Go back to bed and
shoot the girl’s father.
3. Shoot your roommate
and go back to bed.
Problem 2.
You have a final exam, the
next day and you have cut classes
consistently all semester. In a
final desperate hope you read
your roommate’s notes. The next
day, during the exam, when that
helpless feeling comes over you
and., you begin to copy from the
girl in the next seat the proctor
catches you. Now, will you,
1. Tell the proctor that
t
you were asking for a date.
2. Tell the proctor that
you were asking.
3. Shoot your roommate
and go back to bed.
Problem 3.
After being graduated from
high school a boy friend tells
you to go to college. You do and
you room- with him. After six
years you both receive degrees
from your Alma Mater.
As you are standing on the
platform you think of what the
last six years has meant. The
president hands you your diplo-
Twenty-Third Psalm
(From the 1938 German Bible)
Herr Hitler ist mein Fuehrer, I am in fear.
He maketh me to lie down on army cots,
He leadeth me outside the country’s boundries, .
He disturbeth our peace.
He leadeth me through the paths of Austria for his
parties sake;
I do not want to fight, But he is with me.
He prepareth a war in Europe, ,
He annointeth their small armies with bullets,
His audacity runneth over.
Surely .suffering and war will follow me all the days
of my life
Since I have to dwell in a land that is Reich forever.
Shoot your roommate and go back to bed.
(Continued on page 3)
(Continued on page 3)