THE ·cARDINAL
UNIVERSITY 0..., LOmSVILLE. LOmSVILLE 8, KENTUCKY March 31, 1960.
Thinker Thought Missing
By Thoughtless Thinkers
After many years of complaints
about the damage done to The
Thinker by a few assorted coats
of paint, the dreaded event has
now happened. The Thinker has
been stolen. In this era of world
strife and earth-shaking events,
suCh as Jack Paar's walking out
on his TV show, this incident will
go down in history.
Investigation into the theft of
the statue has led to many con­cluffions,
all of which point to laT-ceny.
.
When asked to commenrt upon
the theft, Dr. Philip Davidson said
that he remembered a large wood­en
structure having been built
over the statue recently. He noted
that the structure had had a num­ber
of pulleys and b 1 o c k s and
tackles in i~ workings. Dr. David­son
con c 1 u de d that during his
~ art the University he had be­come
accustomed to seeing stran·ge
structures appeaT and fbhen vanish
and had pa~d little a btention to the
preparaltions around The Thinker.
No one from B u ~ 1 d i n g s and
Grounds could be found to either
confirm or deny th.e statement
that a work-order for the project
had been issued by tha·t office.
One explanation has been of­fered.
A group of students from
Speed School was seen leaving
town this morning wi•th a large
:lump of something, Wihich was
greenish in rtin t. It seems that the
poor engineering studenJt.s, lacking ·
courses in the humanities, have
spirited the statue from its for­mer
resting spot to study it.
Confirmation has been given to
this explanation by the fact that
last week one en•gineering student
was heard to comment, "Hey, look,
Clyde . . . that is wha•t they call
ART!" It is entirely possible that
some students studying a course
in structures needed to build a
crane wdth whkh a -large object
could be moV'ed.
There have been "behind closed
door" experiments in the chem.is­.
try department. It is entirely pos­sible
thaJt the latest coat CYf pamt
for The Thinker has been one of
INVISIBLE PA!INT. Due to a ter­rific
explosion this mornin·g no
member of the chemistry depart­ment
was available for comment.
One d•id tap out a message from
henea1h his bandages. It was some­thing
incoherent about ''next time
I'll light tthe match, and rthen turn
on the gas."
Rumors of a ransom note to the
dean of men from members of the
Sigma Phi Nothing fraternity have
been labeled as "nothing but
someone's idle gossip," by Dean
Lawrence. It is still rumored that
the note aslred for immunity :from
social probartion in rthe li•ght of the
party which the Sigma Phi No­things
have planned.
The par.ty will be filmed by a
leading Hollywood studio m hopes
tha•t it will be a l.ilttle more like a
Roman orgy tthan the Hollywood
vemron. Colossal J. Blockbuster of
Epic Pictures is in town-, but re­fused
to comment on this, say.in·g,
''We are !here to make a historica·l
film of the 1937 Flood with the
original cast."
Ass !the inescapable fact dawns
on us, for we see the campus in
mourning over its loss, tlhe ques­•
tion rises rto this reporter's mind,
"Does· anyone know how much I
can get for a big piece of scrap
bronze?" .
City Donated To University;
U of L Gets Getter's-Gift
HS Group Protests
Loss of Park Larks
Police were called out today to
clear the campus of a wild crowd
of hi·gh school students demon­strating
in front of the Administra­tion
Building.
W a v i n g banners bearing the
legends "You're Married, Give Us
a Ohance," and "Where Will We
Park" and "Strickler's A Miss 0
Gyni:st," the estimated crowd of
ninre-hundr.ed eighteen teenagers
was dispel"sed only when the po­lice
reSOl'lbed to tear gas, gatling
guns and flame throwers.
Campus police, checking park­ing
meters, missed the entire de­bacle.
The .group wa:s apparently com­posed
of students fum various
High Schools in the city. The ac­tion
resu1ted from an announce­ment
by U of L Vrice President
Strickler tha1t aH cirty parks would
be leveled and paved to be used as
campus parking lots (see L'viHe
Donated, page 1).
"Not Iroquois Hill!" sobbed one
disconsolate bobby-soxer, as she
awairted medics to remove shrnp­nel
from her arm.
Mr. S •t r i c k 1 e r could not be
rea-ched :for comment. All ail"line
ticket agencies are being checked.
Tower of Pow
One wild and stormy nig:ht this
week rthere came to oampus a wild
and stormy meeting dedicated to
the proposition that all students
were created and, therefore, they
ah - stutter - bulb - deserve
(the right word esoaped us for a
while) the power that comes with
unequal <representation. It seems
that var~ious· and sundry factions
are appallingly insistent that oer­ta.
in wrongs be righted. Or rs it
tthat cel'ltaJn TJghtis-ts feel wronged?
W·e don'•t know.
..t\s of 1lhis Wl'liting, it comes to
our arttention that a hullaballoo
tras been raised to systematize,
clarify ·and elucidate a two-party
system for .this campus. In other
words, to the glorious parties that
were Greek and rt!he .grandeur that
proposes to make itself indepen­dent.
All disaffiliated Elsa Max­wells
were notified at said meeting
of said minds (?)that a certain hall,
comple~te with waH-to-wall drnp­ery,
has become available for hi-r­ing.
A hostess must find her own
orchestra, caterer and possible
guest list but, nevertheless, the
spiT.i.t was strong if the will to
un~ie remained weak.
Due notification was dissemin­ated
to interested agitaJtors by
means CYf a well-meaning mimeo­.
graph m-..1chine rthart must have put
all its e-ffort into one, only one,
program notice. Attention was
called to 1his glorious .gathering on
two sheets of paper, evidently
posted somewhere in somebody's
hub of acttivi•ty. We would qu'O'te
,t;o you some of its earth-shaking
import but, ala·s, !the raTe edi·tion
~s nowhere to be found. We don't
know if ~·t is to be sold at auction.
The 11ruth of the matter is that
s o m e o n e from the other, side
'heisted sa~d notice from its lofty
perch on a. bulletin board, exact
locaiion undetermined.
All This flurry boils down to the
(Continued on page 4)
No Decision By Trustees;
B&G Begins Landscaping
The city of Louisville was donated to U of L yesterday
as a tax-free gift by international financier Paul F. Getter.
Getter, long recognized as the richest living Am~rican, mad.~
this surprise statement to a closed news confererence held in
his room at the J en kens House.
When asked why he made the
donation, Getter remarked as he
left for the down-the-hall wash­room
something about needing
another half-a-billion donation to
keep the B.I.R. boys happy.
This reporter immediately call­ed
Dr. Philip Davidson, President
of U of L, to get a statement.
When informed of the above-men­tioned
gift, Dr. Davidson declined
to comment, stating, and logically
so, "that the University still had
a decision to make on the use of
the Reynolds Metals•buildings be­fore
undertaking any other side
projects."
Dr. Davidson immediately cal­led
a conference of the board of
trustees who, in closed session,
failed to reach a decision. Faced
with the monumental situation
.boldly consummated by Mr. Getter
(who had since left town) the
board of trustees elected 'to turn
the whole problem over to those
departments at U of L which
would be most concerned with the
administration of the workings of
the city.
The office of Woodrow Strick­ler,
Executive Vice-President of
the University and oft titled
"Vice-President in charge of ex­pansion,"
immediately made plans
to have all stores between Broad­way
and River and First and
Tenth streets liquidate their
wares. "Everyone out of the pool"
Fearless Faucet!
yelled Woody, whistling shrilly
between his fingers. Downtown
merchants were generously given
two weeks to accomplish the
above. (Watch your local news­paper,
formerly owned by orie
Barry Bingham, for sensationai
bargains).
The news of the new addition to
the University rapidly spread tb
all corners of the hallowed camp­us,
bringing with it a variety of
reactions.
In a steam-filled dungeon bear­ing
the label "home of B & G" a
man was seen furiously typing a
requisition for 200,000 tons of
TNT; to be used "for re-landscap­in
new University property."
Fresh bursts of steam and strange
rumblings f r o m underground
forced my withdrawal before I
could learn more.
Being in the neighborhood I
dflopped in on the AFROTC of­fices
to inquire into their plans
for the new expansion. I was
greeted at the door by an appar­ently
hand-painted sign proclaim­ing
"Top Secret-No Admitince.
Inquiring among the disgruntled
hangers-on outside the door, I
learned that plans were afoot to
.take over Stand'iford Field imme­diately,
incorporating into the
present site a secondhand missile
base for "practice purposes." Not
wanting to interrupt a conference
(Continued on page 5)
See Story P&«e 4