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The Official Burt The Cat Fanclub Newsletter • No. 30 • SUMMER2002 • FREE! ' I I KATHY IRELAND OR OSAMA BIN LADEN? Kathy Ireland, sporting a K-Mart brand Stars 'n' Stripes bikini, says, "I don't know why anyone would think I'm scary. I'm just a fun-loving business woman with nice teeth and hair." Showing much more enthusiasm for the distinction of being the world's scariest person, Bin Laden said, "Pick me! Pick me! Oh please, oh please, oh please! I am much scarier than that skinny American swimsuit model Kathy Ireland. See? G-r-r-r-r! See? I made you jump. Ha ha ha, stupid Americans." Last September, for the first time in nearly two decades, Kathy Ireland's position as the scariest human being on earth was challenged when it was alleged that Osama bin Laden had masterminded the deaths of some 3000 innocent American civihans in the Attacks on our World Trade Center. While verification of any connection to the attacks has not been confirmed, bin Laden has been quoted by associates (currently cooling their heels in Cuba's Camp X-Ray), as having said (translated from the gibberish), "I would do anything to unseat that Kathy Ireland!" Bewildered by the swimsuit model-cumbusinesswoman's tenure as the Scariest Human Being on Earth for nearly twenty years straight, bin Laden has supposedly growled, "What has she done to deserve such respect? What A working class hero is something to be has she done to generate such fear?" Good questions, and the answers are not simple or pretty. According to Ms. Ireland's agent, her make-up is done by Harley Quinn, sometime love interest of the Joker, archrival of Gotham City's dark knight detective, the Batman. By 'simply accentuating the corners of her mouth with non-lethal K-Mart brand lipsticks, she takes on the confounding visage of an attractive and happy but potentially insane wom~n, the romantic ideal for every horny, red-blooded American boy and the perfect, impossible role-model for every American girl suffering from low self-esteem. By exercising regularly and taking good care of herself, Ms. Ireland has managed to torment the dreams of at least two generations of American children. Further, by targetting her victims through K-Mart sales circulars, her campaign of terror has reached a much wider audience than any number of appearances on worldwide news broadcasts is ever likely to match. Nevermind that every news agency is the world has fingered bin Laden as the villain behind the murder of however many thousands of innocent people; nobody watches the news. And those who do, are either too stupid to understand the truth behind what is being reported or simply watch for entertainment value, knowing that all of the editorial decisions are made on behalf of the half-dozen CEOs of the multi-national corporations who would do anything short of murdering Dan Rather on the air in order to protect their multi-million doJlar salaries. As far as network news is concerned, the Truth died with God in the 1950s. Seekers of Truth would be better off watching "Saturday Night Live." Oh, sure, the American Government on his sige. George W. Bush and his cronies are all about demonizing a bunch of disgruntled Middle Eastern nut-jobs. This is merely evidence of the American machine protecting its own interests while misdirecting the attention of the American people. There are hundreds of much more serious and much more difficult problems dogging us, but you won't see the current regime waste any time on them because, for instance, addressing global warming isn't going to get Dubya re-elected in 2004. Meanwhile, every time they send out a warning about another imminent terrorist threat, stirring up fear on bin Laden's behalf, nothing happens. Have you ever heard the story about the boy who cried wolf? It's real popular with American schoolchildren. Bin Laden may wish to be thought of as the great 21st Century Boogey i\llan, a peerless mass murderer ·and mortal enemy of everything our great nation stands for, but Americans don't buy it. We are more likely to make fun of his stupid beard than we are to lose sleep for fear of having him haunt our dreams. In other words, the terrorist bit just doesn't cut it. You can only kill a person once. If you really want to cripple America, haunt them with dreams of inadequacy. Fill their hearts with longing, envy and greed. Nobody's really afraid of Osama bin Laden. Hell, he's probably already dead. Kathy Ireland? Now, there's one scary lady. It's no wonder bin Laden hates America so much. Kathy Ireland got to him, to0.
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Title | Burt_2002_Summer 1 |
Full Text | The Official Burt The Cat Fanclub Newsletter • No. 30 • SUMMER2002 • FREE! ' I I KATHY IRELAND OR OSAMA BIN LADEN? Kathy Ireland, sporting a K-Mart brand Stars 'n' Stripes bikini, says, "I don't know why anyone would think I'm scary. I'm just a fun-loving business woman with nice teeth and hair." Showing much more enthusiasm for the distinction of being the world's scariest person, Bin Laden said, "Pick me! Pick me! Oh please, oh please, oh please! I am much scarier than that skinny American swimsuit model Kathy Ireland. See? G-r-r-r-r! See? I made you jump. Ha ha ha, stupid Americans." Last September, for the first time in nearly two decades, Kathy Ireland's position as the scariest human being on earth was challenged when it was alleged that Osama bin Laden had masterminded the deaths of some 3000 innocent American civihans in the Attacks on our World Trade Center. While verification of any connection to the attacks has not been confirmed, bin Laden has been quoted by associates (currently cooling their heels in Cuba's Camp X-Ray), as having said (translated from the gibberish), "I would do anything to unseat that Kathy Ireland!" Bewildered by the swimsuit model-cumbusinesswoman's tenure as the Scariest Human Being on Earth for nearly twenty years straight, bin Laden has supposedly growled, "What has she done to deserve such respect? What A working class hero is something to be has she done to generate such fear?" Good questions, and the answers are not simple or pretty. According to Ms. Ireland's agent, her make-up is done by Harley Quinn, sometime love interest of the Joker, archrival of Gotham City's dark knight detective, the Batman. By 'simply accentuating the corners of her mouth with non-lethal K-Mart brand lipsticks, she takes on the confounding visage of an attractive and happy but potentially insane wom~n, the romantic ideal for every horny, red-blooded American boy and the perfect, impossible role-model for every American girl suffering from low self-esteem. By exercising regularly and taking good care of herself, Ms. Ireland has managed to torment the dreams of at least two generations of American children. Further, by targetting her victims through K-Mart sales circulars, her campaign of terror has reached a much wider audience than any number of appearances on worldwide news broadcasts is ever likely to match. Nevermind that every news agency is the world has fingered bin Laden as the villain behind the murder of however many thousands of innocent people; nobody watches the news. And those who do, are either too stupid to understand the truth behind what is being reported or simply watch for entertainment value, knowing that all of the editorial decisions are made on behalf of the half-dozen CEOs of the multi-national corporations who would do anything short of murdering Dan Rather on the air in order to protect their multi-million doJlar salaries. As far as network news is concerned, the Truth died with God in the 1950s. Seekers of Truth would be better off watching "Saturday Night Live." Oh, sure, the American Government on his sige. George W. Bush and his cronies are all about demonizing a bunch of disgruntled Middle Eastern nut-jobs. This is merely evidence of the American machine protecting its own interests while misdirecting the attention of the American people. There are hundreds of much more serious and much more difficult problems dogging us, but you won't see the current regime waste any time on them because, for instance, addressing global warming isn't going to get Dubya re-elected in 2004. Meanwhile, every time they send out a warning about another imminent terrorist threat, stirring up fear on bin Laden's behalf, nothing happens. Have you ever heard the story about the boy who cried wolf? It's real popular with American schoolchildren. Bin Laden may wish to be thought of as the great 21st Century Boogey i\llan, a peerless mass murderer ·and mortal enemy of everything our great nation stands for, but Americans don't buy it. We are more likely to make fun of his stupid beard than we are to lose sleep for fear of having him haunt our dreams. In other words, the terrorist bit just doesn't cut it. You can only kill a person once. If you really want to cripple America, haunt them with dreams of inadequacy. Fill their hearts with longing, envy and greed. Nobody's really afraid of Osama bin Laden. Hell, he's probably already dead. Kathy Ireland? Now, there's one scary lady. It's no wonder bin Laden hates America so much. Kathy Ireland got to him, to0. |
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