The Official Burt The Cat Fanclub Newsletter • No. 30 • SUMMER2002 • FREE!
' I
I
KATHY IRELAND OR OSAMA BIN LADEN?
Kathy Ireland, sporting a K-Mart brand Stars 'n' Stripes bikini, says, "I don't know why anyone
would think I'm scary. I'm just a fun-loving business woman with nice teeth and hair." Showing
much more enthusiasm for the distinction of being the world's scariest person, Bin Laden said,
"Pick me! Pick me! Oh please, oh please, oh please! I am much scarier than that skinny American
swimsuit model Kathy Ireland. See? G-r-r-r-r! See? I made you jump. Ha ha ha, stupid Americans."
Last September, for the first time in nearly two decades,
Kathy Ireland's position as the scariest human being on earth
was challenged when it was alleged that Osama bin Laden
had masterminded the deaths of some 3000 innocent Ameri­can
civihans in the Attacks on our World Trade Center. While
verification of any connection to the attacks has not been con­firmed,
bin Laden has been quoted by associates (currently
cooling their heels in Cuba's Camp X-Ray), as having said
(translated from the gibberish), "I would do anything to un­seat
that Kathy Ireland!"
Bewildered by the swimsuit model-cum­businesswoman's
tenure as the Scariest Human Being on Earth
for nearly twenty years straight, bin Laden has supposedly
growled, "What has she done to deserve such respect? What
A working class hero is something to be
has she done to generate such fear?" Good questions, and the
answers are not simple or pretty.
According to Ms. Ireland's agent, her make-up is done
by Harley Quinn, sometime love interest of the Joker, arch­rival
of Gotham City's dark knight detective, the Batman. By
'simply accentuating the corners of her mouth with non-lethal
K-Mart brand lipsticks, she takes on the confounding visage
of an attractive and happy but potentially insane wom~n, the
romantic ideal for every horny, red-blooded American boy and
the perfect, impossible role-model for every American girl suf­fering
from low self-esteem. By exercising regularly and tak­ing
good care of herself, Ms. Ireland has managed to torment
the dreams of at least two generations of American children.
Further, by targetting her victims through K-Mart sales
circulars, her campaign of terror has
reached a much wider audience than any
number of appearances on worldwide
news broadcasts is ever likely to match.
Nevermind that every news agency is
the world has fingered bin Laden as the
villain behind the murder of however
many thousands of innocent people; no­body
watches the news. And those who
do, are either too stupid to understand
the truth behind what is being reported
or simply watch for entertainment value,
knowing that all of the editorial decisions
are made on behalf of the half-dozen
CEOs of the multi-national corporations
who would do anything short of mur­dering
Dan Rather on the air in order to
protect their multi-million doJlar salaries.
As far as network news is concerned,
the Truth died with God in the 1950s.
Seekers of Truth would be better off
watching "Saturday Night Live."
Oh, sure, the American Govern­ment
on his sige. George W. Bush and
his cronies are all about demonizing a
bunch of disgruntled Middle Eastern
nut-jobs. This is merely evidence of the
American machine protecting its own
interests while misdirecting the attention
of the American people. There are hun­dreds
of much more serious and much
more difficult problems dogging us, but
you won't see the current regime waste
any time on them because, for instance,
addressing global warming isn't going
to get Dubya re-elected in 2004. Mean­while,
every time they send out a warn­ing
about another imminent terrorist
threat, stirring up fear on bin Laden's
behalf, nothing happens. Have you ever
heard the story about the boy who cried
wolf? It's real popular with American
schoolchildren.
Bin Laden may wish to be
thought of as the great 21st Century
Boogey i\llan, a peerless mass murderer
·and mortal enemy of everything our
great nation stands for, but Americans
don't buy it. We are more likely to make
fun of his stupid beard than we are to
lose sleep for fear of having him haunt
our dreams.
In other words, the terrorist bit
just doesn't cut it. You can only kill a
person once. If you really want to cripple
America, haunt them with dreams of in­adequacy.
Fill their hearts with longing,
envy and greed. Nobody's really afraid
of Osama bin Laden. Hell, he's probably
already dead. Kathy Ireland? Now,
there's one scary lady. It's no wonder bin
Laden hates America so much. Kathy
Ireland got to him, to0.